THE HOSE SNAKE

There is a phenomenon that is predictable and frustrating and it concerns the common Water Hose. The Hose is just a simple and innocent looking little device for carrying water from the faucet source to a yard sprinkler or to hand water flowers, shrubs, wash the car and kids or whatever. This supposedly innocent little piece of half-inch or so tubing… usually green…and made of a plastic or rubber type material is far from innocent.

If the Hose is 25 feet long one can expect to have the hose catch on the swing set, picnic table, lawn furniture, bicycles, horse trailer, left out lawn mower, various plants and shrubs, the dog’s dish, those walkway solar lights that don’t work, and even tiny blades of grass. It will get caught on something and need to be untangled. If the hose is 25 feet long you should expect a minimum of 7 entanglements and 5 kinks per use. It matters little the quality of the hose. This stuff just happens. If the hose is 50 feet or 75 or 275 feet long…just know it will exponentially be the same tangles and kinks and variety of problems… just more often, which is one reason to only own short hoses. There is no fix for this. Those wrinkled up and slinky hoses are no better. It says right on the new hose package that, “This hose could cause high blood pressure, heart failure, headaches, nausea, diarrhea, uncontrolled yelling and foul language. Use at your own risk.” It means what it says.

After considering all of this I believe the major trouble starts because the Hose is shaped and moves like a snake. Snakes have been trouble from the beginning and apparently they are still. We had a neighbor lady that I heard screaming one day. I looked over the fence and she was coming out of her back door with a butcher knife and went to her hands and knees and started chopping her Water Hose into little pieces about 8-9 inches long while crying and screaming, “Take that, Hose Snake, Take That!” I’m headed over to the other side of the pond to try and roll that blasted plastic hose onto the hose rack without any kinks. Are you kidding? That is not a hose…it is a coiled snake…ready to strike. I’m hoping some Cuban Coffee and Raspberry Thumbprint Cookies will help me get over some of these Hose Snake shakes.

“Look, I am sending you out as sheep among wolves. So be as shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves.” Jesus