ANOTHER OLD PEOPLE’S CHECKUP

I recently had to go in for the Springtime Humiliation Old People’s Checkup. The first thing I had to do before even saying hello was to get on Delores the Medical Assistant’s ‘hair’s on fire,’ ‘hairs on fire’ scales. You know the scales are liars and so what ever they say is not true. It doesn’t matter what she wrote down. It makes no difference… it’s not true.

I mentioned to Delores that I was not trying to lose or gain weight because when we lose weight, we do not know where it goes and who has it now, and if we gain weight we do not know who’s weight we are putting on or where it came from. It’s just not safe.

She asked me if I had been to therapy. I told her I went to see Dennis when I had my knee replacement. She tightened her lips and said she was not talking about physical therapy. I don’t know what she was talking about. She made some notes about something.

I told Delores that I keep hearing the dinging sound of a text message even when my phone is off and I asked what she thought might be causing this. She told me that I was becoming Dingy and mentioned that a high percentage of her older patients have the same issue: they are Dingy. That cleared that up.

They just ask too many questions when we go in for these Old People check ups.

No, really, that’s what happened.

“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
Jesus