THE SPRING WEIGH IN

I recently went in to see the doctor for my Old People’s Spring Check-up and Weigh In. Delores the Medical Assistant had me get on her broken-down, good-for-nothing, junkyard scales as a first stop weigh-in for my appointment. After doing so she raised her eyebrows like that was some kind of medical signal or something. Then she pulled out a little chart and said, ‘This is a weight to height ratio chart. According to this chart you need to be 7’6” tall.’ I mentioned that the scales were off and probably needed new batteries to get an accurate reading. She replied back that the piece of junk scales did not use batteries and wasn’t like a flashlight and were perfectly calibrated. She can get fussy.

I told Delores, ‘I’m not fat; I’m just big boned.’ I mentioned to her I was thinking of getting into a new sport and workout routine. She wanted to know if I had thought about getting into Sumo Wrestling with my big bones. I think that was a nice compliment and an encouragement to enter a new sport. Then again, I’m not sure she really bought the ‘big boned’ comment. But, I think she is just encouraging me in areas I had not thought about. I mentioned to Delores that if I lost too much weight I would need to lie down to take a shower so the water would hit me. I guess ‘Baaaah!’ is also a medical term because that is all she said about it. So I reinforced my comment by explaining to her that if I got too skinny and turned sideways she couldn’t see me. She just walked out of the exam room without any explanation. I didn’t even get to tell her that I’m on two simultaneous diets because I wasn’t getting enough food on one. 

No, really, that’s what happened.

“The truth shall set you free.” Jesus