BEGINNING OF YEAR WEIGH IN

Every January we have to go in for our Old People Beginning of Year weigh in and check up. The first thing that happens is to get checked in by Delores the Medical Assistant. The next thing is she wants you to get on her Dollar Tree good for nothing scales that couldn’t weigh anything correctly. It does not matter what the weight is… it is wrong… by a lot.

Then it’s to the Dollar Tree blood pressure machine… that can’t be the right reading, so it’s wrong too. Delores was making some notes about all of this and asked how I was doing. I had her look at some Brown Spots on my neck and she said those are just Old People Brown Spots. I asked about the Red Lines on my legs and she told me they probably just Old People Red Lines. I mentioned sometimes I just have this heavy feeling. She said that too was understandable.

I also wanted to ask a professional about my Uvula. She said, ‘what do mean?’ I told her, you know, that little lollygaggle thing that hangs down in the back of your throat. She told me she would have the doctor look at it while rolling her eyes. I think that means something medically. Then she immediately wanted to know if I was taking both my little pink pills every day.

I said, ‘I know what your thinking and I told her… I asked myself if I was crazy and we all said no.’ She mumbled something about the doctor coming in within the next hour or two and left. I don’t care much for these Old People check ups even from professionals. They just want too much personal information.

No, really, that’s what happened.

“So when I tell the truth, you just naturally don’t believe me!” Jesus